Disclaimer: This is an imaginary piece inspired by a short message shared by a friend on a WhatsApp group. Any resemblance to actual ministries, experts, or uncles is purely coincidental – and probably forwarded.
In a move set to transform geopolitics, healthcare, astrophysics, and perhaps even the price of tomatoes, various ministries and global agencies have launched an unprecedented recruitment drive for WhatsApp Group Experts (WGEs) – that vastly underrated class of polymaths who operate entirely from recliners, armed with unlimited data packs and unverified opinions.
Defence goes offensive
The Ministry of Defence has kicked things off with an official call for nominations to appoint Strategic Experts and Direct-Entry Two-Star Generals, sourced entirely from WhatsApp groups.
‘Frankly, we’re impressed,’ admitted a senior official, sipping tea beside a colour printer spewing out hundreds of strategic PDFs, including ‘How to take over Pakistan in seven days using Chaar Dhaam volunteers’ and ‘Proof that Russia secretly asked India for tactical advice.’
Selection criteria include:
1. Three years minimum in active forwarding roles
2. Usage of phrases like ‘My cousin in RAW says…’
3. Proven ability to type ‘Waah Modi ji waah’ under any geopolitical update
Healing with clove and confidence
Not to be outdone, the Ministry of Health has formally recognised the WhatsApp Medical College (WMC), where every alumnus is a triple board-certified doctor in Home Remedies, Vaccine Hesitancy, and Overconfidence.
Courses on offer include:
1. How to cure diabetes with two cloves and a glass of warm regret
2. Secrets Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know (because they don’t exist)
3. Everything Is caused by acidity, including politics
The WHO has expressed alarm, but after a stern WhatsApp message from an ‘uncle who worked with Nasa in 1972’, they are reviewing their position.
Politics by polls and gut feeling
With public discourse now shaped almost entirely by forwarded polls, blurry screenshots, and neighbourhood uncles, the Election Commission has embraced the inevitable.
All official exit polls will now be conducted via WhatsApp voice notes, preferably ones beginning with ‘Just got this from a reliable source in Delhi…’
A veteran WhatsApp psephologist (retired LIC officer, full-time know-it-all) has been roped in to head the new division: Electoral Gut and Speculation Services (EGSS).
His secret sauce? ‘Just look at Rahul Gandhi’s beard. If it’s bushy, Congress will lose. If it’s trimmed, the BJP wins. It’s simple frequency analysis.’
Physics, space, and string chutney theory
Quantum physicists have been rendered jobless ever since WhatsApp Physicists cracked the mysteries of existence using rudraksha, cow urine, and a viral video of a baba balancing a bulb on his navel.
The Large Hadron Collider project has been cancelled. Instead, a new WhatsApp-based Theory of Everything is emerging – String Chutney Theory – linking gravitational waves to masala dosa alignment and planetary motion to WhatsApp forward timings.
NASA reportedly fears losing relevance after a forwarded image showed a temple bell floating in zero gravity (later discovered to be edited using an old Nokia ringtone ad).
Global WhatsApp experts summit
Meanwhile, the UN is reportedly convening a Global WhatsApp Expert Summit (GWES) to recognise the explosive growth of this digital think tank. A new category of Forward Nobel will be introduced this year, with awards for:
1. Best Alternative Cure for a Real Disease
2. Most Dramatic Yet Incorrect Election Prediction
3. Lifetime Achievement in Misinformation, Group Admin Category
Apply before it is deleted
So don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Your country is waiting for your pearls of wisdom.
Just update your profile picture with a tricolour, forward three conspiracy videos, and type ‘Shocking but true!’ on at least five groups.
Applications are open now. Full details are available on your uncle’s WhatsApp status. (Subject to daily deletion and dramatic spelling errors.)
