In a world where political leaders compete more for laughs than legacy, this imagined Nobel spin-off rewards the true champions of gaffes, goof-ups, and grand delusions.
What if one fine day the Nobel Committee in Oslo decided they had had enough of giving awards to peace-loving scientists and serious do-gooders? What if they finally gave in and said, ‘Let’s honour the real performers of our times. The ones making headlines for all the wrong reasons?
Enter the brand-new categories: Best Clown and Buffoon of the Decade. No, not for circus artists. For political leaders who have turned public life into a non-stop comedy show.
And guess who would be the top contenders? None other than Donald Trump from the US and the Gandhi scion from India.
The king of chaos
Donald Trump – the man who has, and still is, running the world’s most powerful country like a late-night talk show host with mic issues. His claim to the Ignoble Prize is rock solid. Need proof?
Here are some of his greatest hits:
‘I have the best words.’
‘Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.’
‘Windmills cause cancer.’
And, ‘Try injecting disinfectant’ during Covid.
He even tried to buy Greenland and wanted to nuke hurricanes. He stared directly at the sun during an eclipse. And then called himself a ‘very stable genius’.
He didn’t drain the swamp. He just added crocodiles in suits.
Rahul, the lost plot
On the other side, we have India’s very own ‘54-year-old youth leader’ Rahul Gandhi – the only politician whose speeches leave people more confused than convinced. Born into a powerful political family, but with a talent for delivering lines that make even comedians jealous.
Here are a few samples:
‘Politics is in your shirt and in your pants.’
‘Poverty is just a state of mind.’
‘India is bigger than America and Europe combined.’
He once hugged Prime Minister Narendra Modi in Parliament like it was a family reunion and winked like he was auditioning for a college play. Around elections, he often disappears like a dropped mobile signal. Even his own party isn’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or hide the microphone.
Comic to commander
Then there is Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky – a former TV comedian who accidentally became a real-life hero. He started with jokes and ended up in a war.
Ironically, while others turned politics into a joke, Zelensky turned comedy into courage. In an Ignoble ceremony, he would likely be the only one with a speech worth listening to.
Sidekicks in silliness
Boris Johnson (UK): Held lockdown parties while telling people to stay home. His hair alone deserves an award.
Imran Khan (Pakistan): Ran the country like a cricket match – lots of appeals, no real strategy.
George W. Bush (US): Once said, ‘They misunderestimated me.’
Shehbaz Sharif (Pakistan): Forever stuck in big brother’s shadow, his speeches often sound like PowerPoint presentations read aloud – with the energy of a drained battery.
General Asim Munir (Pakistan): Promoted to Field Marshal not for battlefield brilliance, but for losing face in a stand-off with India.
Ignoble or Rotten Tomato?
These imagined awards could be called the Ignoble Prize – the opposite of Nobel. Or perhaps the political version of Rotten Tomatoes, where leaders get scored for nonsense, not Nobel-worthy achievements.
The ceremony would include banana peels on stage, background music from circus bands, and acceptance speeches where the teleprompter breaks down halfway.
Because in today’s world, where policy is often replaced by punchlines, and leadership by laughter, the least we can do is hand out prizes to the jesters pretending to rule.